World In Panic As Science Announces Retirement – Babylonbee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire world is in a panic this morning at the news that Dr. Fauci, the living embodiment of science itself, will be retiring in December. The scientific community is already announcing mass resignations now that the High Priest and the mediator between mankind and the laws of nature will be gone. Experts are predicting a dangerous rise in superstition, divination, and Twitter misinformation without the wise and infallible words of Fauci there to guide humanity toward safety and ultimate perfection.
“This is a disaster,” said one scientist. “We are surely headed for another Dark Age without the transcendent wisdom of Gaia’s Oracle here to guide us. The end is nigh.”
Sources say Fauci plans to spend retirement golfing, spending time with family, and weaponizing Monkeypox in his basement.
New Study Shows An Alarming Link Between Being A Conspiracy Theorist And Not Having Myocarditis – Babylonbee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — CDC Director Rochelle Walensky spoke at a press briefing Monday in which she acknowledged an apparent link between those who believe in high-level government shadow conspiracies and not having myocarditis. According to the CDC’s findings, “total nutjobs” appear to be immune to the little-known heart condition, leaving experts puzzled.
“When the pandemic first hit we knew absolutely everything about the virus and immediately imposed common sense health guidelines that were not completely made up,” said Walensky. “However, these new findings seem to suggest that not taking everything government authorities say as gospel truth may save your life.”
“Strange,” she muttered to herself.
According to sources, health experts have been unable to determine why such a correlation between conspiracy theory and low myocarditis rates exist. Early speculation that it’s because “whackos” who believe in bigfoot are the same ones not taking experimental vaccines was dismissed because that would suggest there was something wrong with the vaccines and the government would never lie about them being safe and effective.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert, has blasted the CDC’s report, suggesting that it was itself a government conspiracy.
“Let’s look at the facts,” said Dr. Fauci. “Conspiracy theorists think the moon landing was faked and that JFK was shot by a turtle in a hamster suit. Therefore, the vaccines are safe and effective. They literally annihilate the virus within your body and keep it from spreading to anyone.”
At publishing time, Dr. Anthony Fauci was diagnosed with COVID-19 again and decided to retire.
And in not so fake news…
“This, to me, is the ultimately heroic trait of ordinary people; they say no to the tyrant and they calmly take the consequences of this resistance.” ―
Tonight’s musical offerings:
‘Badge’ – Cream
George Harrison and Eric Clapton were close friends and they fell in love with the same woman during different times of their lives: George Harrison married Patricia Ann Boyd in 1966, they were divorced in 1977. Eric Clapton married Patricia Ann Boyd in 1979, they divorced in 1988
Bell Bottom Blues · Derek & The Dominos