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Pink to replace Macklemore on Ed Sheeran tour
(satire)
Yesterday, Ed Sheeran made the neutral decision of dropping Macklemore from his US tour, explaining he needs someone “less divisive”. You will therefore be delighted to hear that Pink will be taking Macklemore’s place. She’ll be performing at the ten remaining shows, although it’s unclear whether anyone will bother to attend.
A thrilled Pink accepted the offer shortly after using her kid as a prop at the US Open—she even dyed his hair pink so he got all the attention. It’s nice having a living child, isn’t it? Especially when that kid can shield you from hecklers.
The best thing about siding with Israel is that you can go to events like the US Open. But the moment you criticise Israel, you’re basically a pariah. Now you understand why most celebs take the easy path.
Ed’s just being sensible here. He never gets involved in controversial topics like war, unless it involves waving the Ukraine flag. It’s simply not okay to take a stance on Gaza the way Ed took a stance on Ukraine.
Macklemore should’ve known he was hurting the feelings of genocide supporters with statements like “all children deserve to live”. Pink chose a more unifying approach, which involved attacking opponents of genocide, implying they must be antisemites, and trying to get them cancelled. In the case of Macklemore, she succeeded.
Obviously, Pink can’t take all the credit here though. It was ultimately the decision of proud Zionist Robert Kraft who told Ed to drop Macklemore or else he wouldn’t be allowed to perform at his venues.
Ed’s not exactly short of a few bob, but he still took the morally correct position of protecting his bank balance. He dropped Macklemore harder than a 2,000lb dumb bomb on a school in Gaza.
He later explained that Macklemore hurt the feelings of the people who count: genocide supporters. Thankfully, his replacement Pink only hurt the feelings of people with a conscience—and who gives a fuck about those?
Anyways, it turns out that Ed and Robert go back a long way. For example, Ed performed at Robert’s wedding a few years ago. Weddings are so nice, aren’t they? When they’re not being blown up by American-made bombs.
Heart-warmingly, Ed called Robert “super sweet” and explained his Gillette stadium was the first US venue he played at. Another lovely detail is that Robert Kraft is named in the Epstein files. Thankfully, that’s not a deal breaker for Ed, just like genocide isn’t. The only deal breaker is opposition to genocide. That’s really going too far.
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Tonight’s musical offering:
Tribute to the Beatles // Here, There and Everywhere // Joscho Stephan, Rory Hoffman & Richard Smith
Dispatches from the Asylum 