U.S. – Americans were deeply disappointed upon learning today that the Biden presidency was not, in fact, an elaborate April Fool’s joke.
“I was still holding out hope this was all a sick, twisted prank,” said South Carolina man Denny Kingsley. “What a bummer.”
Though a seemingly improbable hoax, Biden’s unparalleled level of absurdity and incompetence began to make millions of Americans suspicious. “It just feels like it has to be a joke,” said Ohio native Richard Adamson. “I mean, what else do you do with a president coming out to talk about a mass shooting, and saying he’s just there for the ice cream? He can’t form sentences, gets lost at his own house, and waves at dead people. How is this real??”
As another April first came and went, Americans resigned themselves to the reality of Joe Biden actually being president. “We scoured the nation for the man most fit to lead America – the most powerful country on earth – and we came up with Joe Biden,” said Mr. Kingsley. “It’s so hard to wrap my mind around that. Oh, well. Maybe next year we’ll find out the truth.”
At publishing time, Americans were dealt another blow as Netflix acquiring the rights to Narnia was also discovered to be a true story.
NEW YORK, NY — Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
“Yeah is this Ron DeSanctimonious?” Trump was heard shouting into the phone while wearing his orange jumpsuit. “Wrong Way Ron — that’s who you are! I’m sitting here in jail on completely bogus charges, the Democrats are continuing their disgusting witch hunt, and for that, you’re going to pay, Ron! You’re going to pay BIGLY! Do you think this makes it easier for you to swoop in and take the nomination? You haven’t even announced! SAD!”
Trump is facing multiple charges brought by Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg in a case many legal analysts find highly questionable. Though Trump has loudly voiced his opinion that the charges are politically motivated and an attempt to stop his 2024 presidential campaign, he chose to call DeSantis and chew him out rather than consult with his legal team. “This is the most horrible misuse of authority in the history of the country! Many people are saying so! But you know who I’m mad at? You, Ron! Just wait until they give me back my cell phone and I can start Truthing about you again! MAGA!”
Sources within the Governor’s office indicated that, while the call was surprising, DeSantis seemed unflustered. “The Governor has more important things to deal with,” said the source. “Like traveling around and campaigning without making any announcements.”
At publishing time, with his one phone call already used, Trump was reportedly discussing legal strategy with his attorneys via charades-style sign language through his jail cell window.