In a bombshell exclusive from our friends at Fox News, it has been revealed that Iranian kamikaze dolphins have not only closed the Strait of Hormuz with underwater mines, but have crossed the Atlantic. They are now operating freely in American coastal waters where they pose an existential threat to the US mainland.
As Fox News tells the truth roughly 26% of the time, every detail of this report is likely to be accurate so I’m not bothering to find a second source. Only an idiot would question Fox News.
According to the report, the elite cetacean operatives are equipped with explosive harnesses, echolocation targeting systems, and a disturbing level of ideological commitment. They are believed to have made the journey via a network of underwater currents that forced the US Navy to bomb Venezuelan fishing boats.
Disturbingly, at least one elite cetacean operative infiltrated the White House, wearing an alluring human costume in a brazen honeypot operation. The operative very nearly compromised the president until he shrewdly noticed its face didn’t move when it spoke.
President Trump tore off Kristi Noem’s mask while she kissed him and yelled “You’re fired!” in a confrontation that resembled a Scooby Doo episode. When the president’s security team arrived, they accidentally shot one of their own and the dolphin escaped.
The president then issued the following calm and rational statement on Truth Social: “I HATE dolphins!!! I always knew those smiling bastards were up to no good! If you see a dolphin, do NOT be fooled like I nearly was! They are incredibly cunning!” As usual, Trump is not wrong.
Jesse Walters, a marine biologist at the Heritage Foundation’s Center for Cetacean Existential Threats, warned Fox viewers that the dolphins represent a “hybrid threat combining biological superiority with fanatical devotion”.
Walters explained:
“Sharks are scary and unpredictable, but these dolphins are worse than Jaws because they believe in something. They work in coordinated packs and use underwater clicking codes that are impossible to decipher. We’re facing an enemy that can hold its breath for ten minutes and solve basic logic puzzles, meaning it is significantly more sophisticated than Pete Hegseth, even when he’s sober.”
The existence of the Iranian dolphin program only came to light when one operative’s explosive vest malfunctioned during a reconnaissance mission off the Florida coast. The dolphin was taken into custody at a local aquarium, where staff noticed an Iranian flag tattooed on its flipper. It began emitting high-pitched squeaks that sounded suspiciously like “Death to America…”
Interrogators discovered the dolphins were radicalised into hating the West by tweets from Greta Thunberg, rants from Hasan Piker, and footage of the horrors that took place at Sea World. It is understood that Iranian scientists learned how to train dolphins after watching DVDs of Flipper and Free Willy in a mountain bunker in Isfahan. Thirteen of those dolphins are packed with enriched uranium. Clearly, the sanctions failed to stop Iran from developing WMDs.
An Iranian cleric cackled: “All this time you Americans were obsessed with our nuclear program when dolphins were the real weapon! Allah created the oceans, and the dolphin is His guided missile.”
It was thought the Iranian Navy had been obliterated until those dolphins started causing laundry room fighters on US aircraft carriers. Pentagon officials privately told Normal Island News that the US Navy currently has “no viable defence against the dolphin threat”. Questions remain, such as why President Biden failed to see this coming. Thankfully, President Trump is no push over.
Congress is expected to fast-track the “Dolphin Defence Authorisation Act,” which includes another $47 billion to Israel, funded by cuts to Medicare. Explosive tuna shoals and sea-lion counter-operatives are expected to be ready at some point within the next 15-20 years. Worryingly, Iran is just two weeks away from developing nuclear killer whales.
The president reassured the public on Truth Social that appropriate defences will be put in place soon: “We will build a beautiful underwater wall and the Iranians will pay for it. Believe me.”
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“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde
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Tonight’s musical offering:
Dispatches from the Asylum 