Satirical Breaking News:
Dateline: Moscow – September 12, 2019
In a stunning announcement today, United States, Inc., broke away from the rest of the world, deciding it had done enough to lay this puny planet to waste and jettisoned itself off into the universe seeking other tranquil, peaceful and benevolent planets to lay to waste.
Unnamed sources confirmed that in addition to United States, Inc., leaving the global scene, many other governments would be going with them, notably, the governments of Great Britain, France, the rest of Western Europe, Australia, and some South American governments as well.
In a statement from U.S. Inc., President Trump said that they would be taking their “toys” with them as well. That includes all U.S. and International corporations that have brought humankind to the brink of destruction.
The rest of the transcript from President Trump follows:
“We thought of leaving behind a couple of our biggies, like the pharmaceutical conglomerates and maybe a couple of the other huge corporate destroyers of most everything good on the planet, but we have big business ahead of and us and we’ll need these guys, as we seek to plunder the shyte out of other civilizations and planets, just as we’ve done to this one.
We are also taking all entertainment and media outlets with us, as they will be a huge help in laying down layers of propaganda, ugliness, discord and bat guano to set up a good working base so that we can hit the ground running on whatever new universal stage we seek to ruin.
And of course, we’ll be taking all military industrial complex corporations and their personnel as well. We’ve got big, big plans to drop tons of bombs and blow shyte up, so we definitely need these guys.
We thought of inviting Russia but since they’ve exhibited just a bit of common sense in the past few years, and also, since most of my administration, along with the Congressional and Senatorial folks going with us on this mission of universal destruction don’t like vodka and certainly don’t speak that screwed up language of their’s, we thought it better to just leave it to them to deal with the shyte we’ve left behind…and as the world will come to realize, it’s a huge pile of shyte that we’re quite proud of leaving behind.
Many will wonder how we’ve left. Well, we got the best, you know…the greatest and most brightest of Gehenna’s offerings who’ve spent their days coming up with all the shyte that most of the West has come to know, love and be addicted to…smart shyte, 24/7/365 surveillance shyte and the best of all, AI shyte. I ordered up an AI scenario where we all could exit simultaneously – all of us, and it’s a huge number of folks, and they made it happen. We’re very proud of them.
Tons of people have gone with us. We gave folks the option of staying and getting use to drinking vodka and eating that borscht shyte, but as most of them are so brain-dead, still believing in the two party system we set up from the very beginning, thinking that one party was different than the other…well, the joke has gotten old, but they still believe, and we need followers once we find the next oasis we plan to destroy. Their undying allegiance to our bullshyte will be sorely needed on this mission.
Personally, I feel great leaving. We are looking forward to bringing our unique brand of stench wherever we can.
So many folks leaving, but there is a great group of musicians, Russians, I’ve been told, who can kick ass with covers of the great tunes from fantastic American bands from the past, who created real music. So, those folks left behind – well, at least they have some great music to listen to while they’re dealing with the canyons of shyte we’ve left behind.”
Tonight’s musical offering:
“September” – Leonid & Friends (Earth, Wind & Fire cover)
Full screen enabled, volume way up, and try not to smile or dance along as your heart and soul prompts you!