Stunning announcement from the Kremlin today. President Vladimir Putin said today that Mr. Trump’s duties as a KGB sleeper agent would be ending, with his blundering of super secret information about laptop bombs that terrorists might use – this said in passing to Sergey Lavrov, Russian Foreign Minister and night-time super spy during Mr. Lavrov’s recent visit to the White House.
Sordid details of the ultra, super duper, top secret information are that Trump will be stepping down as POTUS due to his inability to deal with horseshit 24/7 and would be turning over his position to wannabe megalomaniac, Chelsea Clinton, who will report directly to the Kremlin.
Trump told Serg (Trump’s nickname for his comrade buddy) that he thought about letting Ivanka step into the position but upon further reflection decided that with America as a power player in the amusement park business, that her talents were above cutting ribbons at park openings, overseeing CIA sponsored theme events where one park will be armed to blow up another park and directing the US media to continue in their role of lying about anything and everything, most especially about upcoming carnival events at each park.
A Kremlin spokesperson said, on condition of anonymity of course, that the horseshit Mr. Trump was dealing with from dimwitted politicians, media idiot savants and even his own spineless administration personnel was so deep that Russian T-90 tanks couldn’t wade through it.
Mr. Trump, along with his family, will retire to a huge estate in Sochi, a gift from Mr. Putin in appreciation of his loyal service to the Motherland.
“Everyone close to me knew that I was a KGB sleeper agent all along. When I was joking with Serg about it all during our meeting, I forgot that I wasn’t totally among “friends” and that someone would say something. Sad.” Mr. Trump tweeted.
Democrats and most Republicans praised the move saying that they were growing tired of coming up with new heaps of horseshit each day and that their feigning disgust, hysteria and emotional tirades were taxing their highly developed acting abilities. They were looking forward to manning the carnival booths and rides. “It will give us the opportunity to get rid of those undesirables who have been opposing our deep-seeded neurosis as each American will be required to ride at least 10 amusement park rides each day,” Senator Chuckie Schumer said. “You know, things can go wrong at any given time with any of these rides that the TSA will be charged with maintaining. And the TSA has every which way to Sunday to get back at you.”
Chelsea Clinton, at first surprised with the appointment, took it in stride, telling a stunned yet gleeful press corps and White House staff that it’ll be good for mom and dad to be back at their old digs where so many criminal activities were hatched, and that they’ll be asking the Obama’s and Bush’s to establish residency at the White House so that all past criminal administrations are together in one place.
“We’ll continue with some of our old scams, you know the ones – the ones you all ignored,” she giggled, waving to friends in the media, “but we’ll come up with some new humdingers too. And God Bless America!”
Mr. Putin read a statement, saying: “We decided rather than try to continue to work with our partners in America and root out terrorism and establish peace for all nations that the country was sadly, beyond repair, and it would be better for all nations if America was turned into one giant amusement park. This will allow the country to continue on their journey to utter and complete insanity, without taking the rest of the world with them.”
Mr. Putin then deployed the Russian Inviso-shield over America whereby the country was sealed with no exit or entry.
In a flash poll taken right after the announcement, 94.5% of all Americans approved the new direction of the country upon learning that all sporting events will continue.
Editor’s note: Russia-Insider.com had it right all along!
Photo Credit (front page): http://www.flickr.com/photos/jedimentat/
Photo Credit (amusement park): By Nicubunu (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons