US secures oil deal with Venezuela after kidnapping its president

For many years, the US has expressed huge concern about the tyranny being imposed upon Venezuelan oil by a brutal and illegitimate dictatorship. Well, that concern has now been resolved in the most practical way possible.

President Trump announced on Friday that he has secured a hugely beneficial deal for the American people. That deal involves the liberation of more than 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil.

Excitingly, that oil is already finding its way to the Bazan Group refinery in Haifa. Making friends with Israel is easily the most effective way of not having your country destroyed by the America First people.

Trump thanked Venezuela’s “Highly Respected Interim President” Delcy Rodríguez for making the right decision for herself and her family. The Venezuelan government accepted this is a fair deal, after the US kidnapped their president earlier this year.

Trump justified Maduro’s arrest by presenting AI-generated evidence that he was behind Jeffrey Epstein. When questioned by journalists, Rodríguez agreed with everything Trump said. As a result, she’s no longer scheduled for assassination.

Trump explained his oil theft will “substantially lower gas prices for all Americans” and reduce the economic impact of Operation Epstein Fury. Just don’t mention that it will take years to develop Venezuela’s oil infrastructure enough to make a significant difference.

There is also the tiny problem that US companies aren’t keen on investing in Venezuela, given that theft is totally illegal and they would likely lose their money. Trump could find himself the proud owner of tens of billions of barrels of oil that he can’t do anything with.

At least the threat of narco-terrorism has gone away after the US killed all of the Venezuelan fishermen. Even better, Venezuela is no longer under dictatorship, even though the same government’s in charge, and nothing’s changed other than oil ownership.

CORRECTION: Other things have changed in Venezuela. The US has taken control of its gold along with a random sum of $13 billion. Unfortunately, that money has gone missing, but the Trump administration insists the circumstances are not suspicious.

In a Truth Social post, Trump gave himself full credit for setting Venezuela “on a course toward Tremendous Success and Great Prosperity.” Rodríguez faked a smile for the cameras and expressed her deepest gratitude, after Maduro was sadly unavailable for comment.

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