MUNCIE, IN — IRS agents kicked off a new holiday tradition this week as they began nationwide canvassing of taxpayers’ homes, sliding down their chimneys in search of undeclared gifts worth $600 or more.
Terrence Poole, Special Agent in Charge of Joy-Quashing, explained the agency’s actions, saying, “We understand that people get caught up in the spirit of the season and all that. But we want to be a constant reminder that celebrating the birth of the Savior of the universe is not more important than giving an account to the government for every single thing you have.”
The Jackson family of Muncie were initially surprised to find the black-suited agents pouring out of their chimney and ripping open their presents, but became cooperative after father Ben Jackson was given an explanation and a brief sleeper hold. “Yeah, I guess it’s our patriotic duty or something,” said Mr. Jackson after regaining consciousness.
Agents will be searching homes during the entire holiday season. Agent Poole continued, “We’ll usually be entering through the chimney. For homes that don’t have a chimney, we’ll either be sending a magic elf through the keyhole or else using an armored personnel carrier equipped with a battering ram to breach a convenient wall. Yeah, one of those. Probably the second one.”
Asked if the agents had faced any difficulties with their searches so far, Agent Poole said, “It was a little embarrassing one time when we ended up in Sam Bankman-Fried’s house. We just apologized and backed out slowly. I’m sure he’s got nothing important to declare.”
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Canadian Healthcare System Introduces Punch Card Where On Your 10th Visit You Get Free Suicide – thebabylonbee.com
OTTAWA — As Canada’s MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation’s healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits.
“From a small-scale maple syrup overdose to a full-blown moose attack, you receive a punch on your card every time you are admitted for an injury or sickness.” The Canadian Healthcare website published a blog this week outlining the new program.
“Filling out your punch card is mandatory, for data tracking purposes. No one sick person can be allowed to drain more than their share of the taxpayer’s dollars!”
Trudeau praised the new initiative, positioning it as a way to better engage citizens and prevent any one citizen from becoming a burden on the system. “Canadians are team players,” said Trudeau. “It’s important for every citizen to make sure he’s not wasting taxpayer money to sustain a life that’s not worth living. And now with this punch card, they know that with each hospital visit they’re one step closer to the end!”
Critics have contended that the new approach preys on disabled and impoverished Canadians who may see assisted suicide as their only option, but the criticism has already been quieted since Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau froze the bank accounts of anyone who spoke out against his regime’s policies in the comments section of the healthcare website’s blog, or on Twitter, or elsewhere.
At publishing time, the burden on Canada’s healthcare system was further alleviated when Parliament announced that the policy would retroactively apply to people who had already been admitted for 10 prior hospital visits.
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‘Santa Baby’ – The Jeff Hamilton Trio
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‘Santa Baby’ – Eartha Kitt, with photos of Marilyn Monroe
Dispatches from the Asylum 