The world woke up today and learned that Washington had shut itself down – the world greeted the news with exuberant apathy.
“We are no longer in business,” John McCain declared, taking over duties from a beleaguered President Trump, who was last seen scooting into one of his casinos and hasn’t been seen since.
The aging cactus from Arizona was the only government “official” that RT (Russia Today) could find in the vast expanse of buildings in Washington that just yesterday were humming with activity, working to make everyone’s life on planet earth more miserable.
“Yes, it’s a sad day for the world, but all good things must come to an end, I suppose,” the former Senator bemoaned as he attended to shifting his boot-cast from one foot to the other.
“I guess it all rests with me now,” he said.
When asked what he meant by that statement, the lizard-looking former Senator shrugged his shoulders and said, “What the f@$% do you care!”
McCain, known for his salty vocabulary then started to expand on his thoughts of why the country had shut itself down.
“Well, with the Matt Lauer firing, and there being no real reason to go on since we don’t have this trusted source of propaganda… I mean, news, anymore – everyone just lost interest and said “f@$% it. Losing him was the last straw. Plus, we knew the vast number of inappropriate sexual behavior scandals involving media, Hollywood and government types in the pipeline, well, we just thought enough of this shit.”
“Yep, no more instigating wars on foreign lands, no more making life miserable for the average American, no more stealing, back room deals that no one knows about but screws so many people – and the scams that we concocted that the world has so readily embraced – no more. It’s just a f@$%king shame. But boy, did we have a hoot with all our scams. I can’t tell you of the hearty handshakes and slaps on the back we gave each other behind closed doors with all the ways we screwed the world…all to our benefit and those who own us, of course.”
When asked what he will be doing in the future, McCain responded, “Oh, I don’t know for sure – Washington will be suing itself over all the shenanigans that have been done over the decades, perhaps I’ll preside over the court proceedings, if anyone really gives a f@#%.”
“But speaking the truth for the first time in my life, I’ll probably just hang around homeless shelters. I figure since hardly anyone gives a rat’s ass about these people, that I’d pretty much be incognito and wouldn’t be subject to being strung up and locked away as I should be. Hey, I’m an asshole – what more can I say?”
When asked a final question as to what he might miss most with America being among the dustbin of failed empires, the former Senator cracked up, letting loose with a hearty laugh.
“Well, I tell ya, I won’t miss those f@$%ing movies that Hollywood has been producing for the past 60 years or so – they’re complete shit. But I’ll certainly miss my bank account – don’t know what’s going to become of that. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention I’ll greatly miss meeting with my ISIS buddies as I have in the past. Those were some f@$%ing bad-ass bashes we had with them”
“But let me make one thing perfectly clear…if I run across that Matt Lauer, I going to kick his ass up one side and down the other. You can count on that.”
Händel Messiah – Hallelujah Chorus
Photo credit (front page): By Michael Rieger (This image is from the FEMA Photo Library.) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Photo credit (McCain): http://www.flickr.com/donkeyhotey