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Trump looking forward to launching Power Plant Tuesday from British military bases
President Trump says he is looking forward to launching Power Plant Tuesday from military bases in the UK, unless Iran opens the Strait that is only closed because Trump started this war. The US president was furious that the Iranians seem in no mood for negotiation, due to the minor issue that Israel killed all of the negotiators.
Excitingly, Power Plant Tuesday is likely to go ahead because Congress has forgotten how to use the 25th Amendment and Sir Keir Starmer has forgotten he was once a human rights lawyer.
Sadly, not everyone seems as enthused about war crimes as the journalists who’ve never seen a war they don’t like. A confused Green Party spokesperson said: “Yes, we hate the oil industry and yes, we hate nuclear power, but we hate paedophiles and nuclear fallout even more. Of course, the Greens will always support the transition to green energy, but not like this…”
Defence Secretary John Healey took a disappointing middle ground by saying “radioactive fallout across the Middle East would be fine as long as the president is blowing up power plants for defensive purposes”. The British media is praising the government for staying out of Trump’s war, while also cheering on Trump’s war. I’m no legal expert, but I’m confident it doesn’t count as war crimes if you’re aiding and abetting the people who blow up power plants.
Power Plant Tuesday is the story in the Bible where Jesus bombs all of the nuclear facilities in Parthia, shortly after rising from the dead. Not many of you know, but Trump actually died in Walter Reed Medical Center a couple of days ago and rose from the dead, just like Jesus. It truly is a Biblical miracle.
After building people’s hopes only to resurrect, Trump posted something on Truth Social that everyone who is unfamiliar with Power Plant Tuesday assumed was fake. All I can say to those heathens is that his historical post will be a passage in the upcoming Trump Bible:
The only down side of the post is that Trump (who is basically the next Jesus) accidentally praised Allah, instead of Baal. Presidents have been killed by Israel for less, but we should cut him some slack, given he had just come back to life. I think Trump can be forgiven for being confused because the brain necrosis still hasn’t cleared up.
Trump made his Truth Social post in celebration of the Iran war going so well that his fighter jets are falling from the sky every day. He lost one F-15 and two pilots a few days ago, but the rescue operation was such a roaring success that he lost five more aircraft to bring those pilots back. Just know they weren’t shot down by the Iranians, they malfunctioned and had to be abandoned. Honest.
Critics are saying it’s ridiculous to celebrate the loss of so many aircraft during a rescue mission, but they don’t appreciate how much Americans value human life… Well, not the lives of Americans without healthcare, or the lives of the soldiers who are gonna be slaughtered in a ground invasion, and certainly not the lives of Muslims, but the lives of anyone who can be used for good PR…
Seeing those pilots go missing really introduced a human element to this war, unlike the time they blew up a girls’ school, killing 168. Let’s be honest, Iranian school girls don’t count as human, but the people who bomb them do.
Everyone was frantic with worry that those pilots, who were innocently bombing civilian infrastructure, might become hostages. Obviously, this would have been terrible because it would have made Trump look bad. Now you understand why he had to sacrifice so many aircraft to rescue them…
Now that these pilots are safe, I’m hoping and praying they can return to active duty in time for Power Plant Tuesday. It is truly what our favourite war criminals deserve. They have a historic opportunity to liberate the women of Iran with power cuts and radiation, saving the Epstein class in the process. If they squeeze in a few bridges during their bombing rampage, they could even feature in The Trump Bible™, which will be available in all good book shops soon for the bargain price of $99.99. All proceeds will go towards the next Epstein Island.
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Yuja Wang – Márquez: Danzón No. 2 (Excerpt)
Dispatches from the Asylum 