“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams
As I’m sure, like me, you’ve been completely twitterpated waiting for Taylor Swift’s new album to be released, you’ll be pleased to know the same feeling of waiting for something equally hideous is just around the corner.
Trump Treasury Department Now Wants to Put His Face on Currency
The Treasury Department has released draft plans for a Trump coin – thenewrepuplic.com
Donald Trump might be getting his face put on a coin while he’s still president.
On Friday, U.S. Treasurer Brandon Beach, who heads the mint, confirmed the government’s draft plans of a $1 coin with Trump’s face on it to commemorate America’s 250th birthday.
“Looking forward to sharing more soon, once the obstructionist shutdown of the United States government is over,” he added.
The mock-up shared by MAGA commentator Steve Guest features Trump’s side profile on one side of the coin and, on the other, the caption “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” alongside an image of Trump raising his fist, mimicking the iconic photo of him after surviving an assassination attempt last year.
“Despite the radical left’s forced shutdown of our government, the facts are clear: Under the historic leadership of President Donald J. Trump, our nation is entering its 250th anniversary stronger, more prosperous, and better than ever before,” the Treasury Department said in a statement. “While a final $1 dollar [sic] coin design has not yet been selected to commemorate the United States’ semiquincentennial, this first draft reflects well the enduring spirit of our country and democracy, even in the face of immense obstacles.”
Trump, who is fond of depicting himself on massive posters and merchandise, will likely be delighted.
“Oh, I’m not sure he’s seen it,” White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said when asked what Trump thought about the announcement. “But I’m sure he’ll love it.”
And in peace news:
Panic in Israel as Hamas agrees to release all of the hostages
In a worrying turn of events, Hamas has agreed to release all remaining prisoners in accordance with Donald Trump’s peace proposal. The plan will involve the de-radicalisation and disarmament of Gaza, but not the de-radicalisation and disarmament of Israel. Nevertheless, Netanyahu feels Israel is being unfairly picked on.
Trump has instructed Netanyahu to immediately halt all bombing of Gaza, but Netanyahu has sensibly ignored him and continued bombing throughout the night. Be honest, who would miss the opportunity for some last minute mass murder? Not a Zionist, that’s for sure.
Understandably, Hamas’ announcement has been met with horror in the Israeli war room which has successfully held off a peace deal for two years so it can kill as many Palestinians as possible.
Israel only had to sacrifice half of the hostages to achieve this goal and would be quite happy to sacrifice the other half for two more years of slaughter. It is therefore drawing up emergency plans to derail the peace process and blame Hamas. I’m told a false flag is not off the table.
Netanyahu has launched an investigation to establish why the IDF failed to murder all of the Hamas negotiators before they could agree to peace. This was an enormous and unforgivable oversight.
While Netanyahu and his accomplices are worried a peace deal could mean they face jail, Israelis are torn on the idea of a ceasefire. On the one hand, they don’t give a fuck about those prisoners, but on the other hand, they have bombed everything there is to bomb several times over, and taking selfies among the rubble gets old. Mass slaughter is even making some of them feel sad.
One Zionist was told the pang he felt when he squished children with a bulldozer might have been a conscience, although it was probably self-pity. Either way, he was promptly arrested, and we don’t talk about him anymore. His family has destroyed all pictures of him.
Given the serious risk of self-pity spreading among IDF ranks, perhaps it really is time to end this thing, and I can go back to doing anything other than satirising a fucking genocide. Palestinians have no idea how hard my life is.
Let’s just end this thing now and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done…
It’s fair to say Israel has achieved many things throughout this genocide. For example, it has destroyed 80% of the buildings, 86% of the farmland, 90% of the cattle, 89% of water and sanitation infrastructure, 100% of desalination plants, and it has made Gaza more or less unliveable. Israel has killed so many civilians that the world lost count.
Israel didn’t stop at Gaza either. It killed a load of people in the West Bank and Syria and Yemen and Iran and Qatar and Lebanon. Who remembers the time when Israel’s pagers took the eyeballs of doctors and nurses and all of the nicest people laughed? Good times.
The relentless bombing campaign was not Israel’s only achievement though. Israel successfully colonised TikTok, the social media app that was promised to God’s chosen people 3,000 years ago. Israel is carrying out a Nakba on TikTok by culling everyone who has ever used the word “AIPAC”. Needless to say, AIPAC does not exist and it’s racist to say otherwise.
Mahmoud Abbas says he is willing to make regular child sacrifices to Israel in exchange for the Gaza presidency, but he has been told his services will not be needed. If a peace deal can be agreed, we have the exciting prospect of Tony Blair ruling Gaza from afar without the consent of Palestinians.
We need someone with the ability to eliminate all evidence of genocide. It’s gonna take the most ghoulish person imaginable to erase hundreds of thousands of corpses and act like they never existed. Needless to say, Blair is just as keen to harness the souls of the dead as he was to steal oil in Iraq.
Once the peace deal is in place, Palestinians will kindly be allowed to live in tents with minimal rations and occasional bombings until they get fed up and leave. At this point, Blair will be given a Nobel Peace Prize and all mentions of Palestine will be erased from the history books. Sadly though, Netanyahu will probably be in jail on corruption charges. Life can be so unfair x
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Tonight’s musical offering:
Push the Button, Max! · Henry Mancini & His Orchestra, from the film ‘The Great Race’ – (Music From The Film Score)
Dispatches from the Asylum 