and in other Easter News…

March 31, 2024 Decker Culture, Current Events, Home, Music One comment

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Pontius Pilate Sure Glad That Whole ‘Jesus’ Ordeal Is Done With – babylonbee.com

JERUSALEM — After a difficult week subduing mobs and navigating political landmines, Governor Pontius Pilate was relieved on Saturday to finally have the whole “Jesus of Nazareth” ordeal over and done with for good.

“Whew, glad that’s behind me,” said Pilate as he washed his hands once more. “I’m sure this will all blow over in a week or so. I was starting to worry this ‘Jesus’ episode might end up really coming back to haunt me.”

Though Pilate disagreed with the decision to crucify Jesus, he readily admitted that Jesus’ death helped avoid a stain on his governorship that could make its way into the history books. “I really dodged a stone there,” said Pilate. “A lesser governor could have ended up with a riot on his hands, or even lost control of the populace. I could have become a cautionary tale, like a part of some creed that people repeat. Not Pontius Pilate! Totally crushed it.”

At publishing time, sources reported that Pontius Pilate’s wife had begun rehearsing the “I told you so” speech that she would be repeating every day for the next few millennia

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God Confirms People Who Attend Church Two Days Per Year Can Go To Heaven For Two Days Per Year – babylonbee.com

HEAVEN — In an announcement sure to have a significant impact on millions of lives before and after death, Heavenly sources confirmed that people who attend church two days per year can go to Heaven for two days per year.

“Sure, your two days of church attendance per year totally count,” explained Saint Peter. “They count for two days of Heaven per year, and the rest of the year you get tortured by demons. It’s very fair.”

The system had reportedly been in place for centuries, ever since the dawn of the twice-per-year churchgoer. “They can spend the rest of their eternity in Hell sleeping in and watching football games or whatever,” said a Heavenly angel. “Though, I’m told the only games they get in Hell are when the Jets play the Browns.”

Much like Easter church services, Heaven will reportedly be extra crowded for those two days per year. “It’s nice, you get to see a lot of faces you haven’t seen in a while,” said permanent Heavenly resident Marcia Langston. “They are a bit out of sorts having just come from being tormented in Hell, but it’s still nice. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to double up this green bean casserole recipe for the big potluck.”

At publishing time, Heavenly beings had set up several million extra folding chairs in anticipation of all the temporary residents.

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