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‘Bet You Wish You Had Listened To The Safety Presentation Now, Eh?’ Says Smug Stewardess As Plane Plummets Toward The Ground – babylonbee.com
U.S. — Black box recordings have confirmed that as United Flight 452 hurtled towards the earth in a giant fireball, flight attendant Alice Turner smugly derided the passengers who had failed to listen to her pre-flight safety presentation.
Though parts of the recordings were inaudible due to screaming, authorities have released portions of the plane’s final moments in the air:
[screaming]
TURNER: Well, well – looks like some folks in the cabin are no longer too distracted playing Roblox to listen to me!
[screaming]
TURNER: Bet you all wish you knew what safety features we have on this Boeing 737? Don’t you??
[screaming]
CAPTAIN: Folks, this is your captain speaking. Just giving you an update that both engines have indeed fallen off and we have reached maximum velocity heading towards the earth.
[screaming]
TURNER: By the by, are you cowards in the exit row still willing to assist other passengers in case of emergency? Ha! Maybe you should have thought of that an hour ago when you all nodded at me with blank stares!
[screaming]
The 737 then crashed into a Kansas corn field, exploding into millions of pieces and making a crater two-hundred yards wide.
Though saddened by the tragedy, flight attendants across the country hailed Ms. Turner’s final address to the cabin. “We can see everyone rolling their eyes or laughing every time we stand in the aisle and pretend to buckle a seat belt,” said attendant Chris Kage, a ten-year veteran. “That stuff hurts, man. I’m really glad someone finally showed those jerks just before everyone died. Oh wait, that sounds bad. Uh, no comment!”
At publishing time, against all odds, a survivor of the accident was located miles from the crash site. The man credited his survival to the strict attention he paid to the pre-flight safety presentation, as well keeping his tray table up with his seat in the full, upright position.
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Mistreated, Neglected Dog Hasn’t Been Played With In Over 10 Minutes – babylonbee.com
FT WAYNE, IN — According to sources, a local labrador retriever is being cruelly neglected by his humans as they haven’t even played with him in over 10 minutes.
In spite of repeated requests in the form of yips, barks, tail wags, and very sad puppy eyes, all members of the family are callously going about whatever humans do all day without so much as acknowledging the suffering of the poor creature. How cruel!
Eyewitnesses confirmed that the family did take the dog on a walk this morning and threw the frisbee in the backyard for another 30 minutes when they got home, but then they stopped throwing the frisbee even though the dog really wanted to run after the frisbee again or catch a ball or run or jump around playfully with his humans or chase someone or dig a hole or eat some food.
Instead, the dog’s humans did none of these things, even though the dog wanted them to. Now, he is sitting there very sad, and no one is paying attention to him because they abandoned him and nobody loves him and he wishes there was food and he’s all alone and sad.
At publishing time, someone gave the dog some food, confirming them to be the greatest and most wonderful humans in the whole, whole world.
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Today’s musical offering:
Miles Davis – Summertime (with Quincy Jones & Orchestra Live At Montreux 1991) ~ 1080p HD
Dispatches from the Asylum 